Barry's No Putz

From one of the greatest books ever published, Leo Rosten’s “The Joys of Yiddish”:

Putz

Rhymes with “nuts.”

Literally, putz is vulgar slang for “penis.” But the vulgarism is rarely used to designate the member; the word shmuck does that.

As used, puts is a term of contempt for:
1. A fool, an ass, a jerk.
2. A simpleton or yokel; an easy mark.

CAUTION: Putz is not to be used lightly, or when women or children are around. It is more offensive than shmuck; the later may be used in a teasing and affectionate way, vulgar though it is, but putz has a perjorative ambience.

Last night with the Mariners leading 5-4 with two out and two on in the eighth, Seattle brought in their relatively new closer, J.J. Putz. Putz took over the closing duties from Eddie Guardado (who had pitched the 7th inning, looking impressive) last month. Putz is a big boy, at 6’ 5”, and 245 pounds, and he closed out the eighth with an impressive strikeout of Randy Winn, displaying absolutely electric stuff. How electric? He’s got 45 strikeouts and only 6 walks in 33 innings, batters are hitting .222 against him, and he’s only given up 1 homer this season.

In the 9th, Putz got Omar Vizquel to ground out, and then struck out oh for five Ray Durham, setting up a classic confrontation with Barry Bonds. Barry already had a homer in the game, and has looked healthier lately than he has since 2004. The announcers were debating the strategy of walking Bonds, but forget it – this is Putz. Putz was ready to challenge Barry.

His first pitch was 99mph and Barry, swinging late, fouled it back. Second pitch 100 mph off the outside corner. At this point, I actually moved to the edge of my chair and thought, “This is great! I’ve got to write about this!” He got strike two on a nasty 92 mph slider, reminiscent of Robb Nen’s great slider. There aren’t too many pitchers throwing 92 mph sliders. Another fastball away, and another slider, and the count was 3 and 2. The crowd was on it’s feet roaring, with everyone including Barry expecting another 100 mph pitch. Putz threw another slider in on Barry, who never took the bat off his shoulder.

Game over. A great showdown. Believe me, you guys with AL fantasy teams, that Putz is for real. I bet Barry thinks so too. Meanwhile, the Giants have that clown Fatmondo as their closer, who isn’t as good as Guardado, Soriano or Putz, the Mariners who took care of the last three innings. It makes you realize that these Giants are pretenders, lucky to be in a weak division.